Want a job? Grow up!

There is only one thing more pointless than having a job, and that is applying for a job.
Here's a list I've hastily compiled of ways to make your first impression the lasting one:

a) Show up three hours late, and then look hurt when told to go home
b) Don't show up at all: this method I find is especially handy for avoiding an interview and not getting a job
c) Tattoo swastikas on the back of your hands. During the interview nervously raise your arm to a salute, stopping yourself mid-action and then mumble something about foreigners and the zionist conspiracy
d) Prepare a makeshift toga and do the interview smoking a pipe, occasionally interrupting the interviewer with statements like; "It's my own mixture, you know" and "You can't beat a good pipe". At the termination of the interview, compliment your prospective employer on his / hers "suave" tie or well-groomed teeth. Stub out the pipe on the side of someone's desk and ask them if they've ever bicycled from Hull to Wrexham
e) Start off proceedings with the declaration that unless the company can get over the fact that you like pickled eggs this simply won't work out.
f) Insist that your name is entirely different from that on your CV and that quite frankly you're disgusted they haven't noticed
g) Bring a toolbox. Especially useful for office-style jobs. Tell them that if things don't work out, you are willing to perform some low-level maintenace work free of charge, provided they turn out all the lights, play Celine Dion and reschedule Christmas